It’s a new year, and it’s a perfect time to look at our sex lives, see what’s working for you, identify some places to grow, and make a commitment to that thing that you’ve always wanted to do.
Not sure where to start? Some folks on Twitter had some great ideas:
take care of myself, become physically stronger, get acrobatic in the bedroom
Being more open about dissatisfaction, in the moment. i.e. ‘I don’t like what you’re doing rn’ vs ‘last time/week this wasn’t what I wanted’ etc
Try and get more kink into my life and be happy with who I am. Don’t try and suppress it anymore just to please others around me, allow me to be me
Trying to be less disgusted by and ashamed of my own genitals.
…More assertion for 2019! Less passivity! I am the master of my own nut
I kinda challenge myself to have more and better sex the next year than the previous since I was 15, does that count?
These are some pretty powerful goals! They break down into: trying something new, increasing communication, reducing shame, and/or increasing body love. Imagine what exciting, fulfilling, delicious changes those could bring!
So, how do you do it?
First, set your intention. Write it down. Put it somewhere that you’ll see it on a regular basis. Making something physical helps make it real and valuable. Speak your intention out loud on a regular basis. Listen to it, feel it on your lips. Speak it into reality.
Next, do some research. Want to try something new, but you’re not sure what new thing it should be (trust that there is always something new)? Read some erotica or watch some porn, make a list of the things that sound hot to you. Once you’ve got that list, sit with it a bit. What things would you like to do in real life? What things sound better left to fantasy? Make a new list of the things you'd like to do in real life. Then start to figure out how those could happen. If you have a partner, show them the list and see if there are things on there that they’d like to do. And get busy!
Is there a skill you’d like to learn? Pegging? How to use ropes? Flogging?- GSpot or PSpot play? Having an orgasm? Read some books, check out your local BDSM groups or sex positive sex toy stores and see if they have any classes coming up. You also might consider hiring a sex coach. At Sugar we do short term sex coaching (in person or via Skype) and if we don’t have what you want, we’ve got a great list of coaches to refer you to!
Are you working on body image? Our culture gives all kinds of fucked up messages about what a sexy body looks like, what genitals are supposed to look like or which genitals are supposed to go with which gender. Start with writing yourself an affirmation. Tell yourself your body is perfect and deserving of pleasure. Because that’s 100% true. Right now. And keep telling yourself that until it feels real. This isn’t something that’s a quick fix. These messages get baked into us at an early age and it can take a life time to unlearn them. But we can unlearn them. And we deserve the freedom of unlearning them.
Are you working on communication and assertiveness? Practice those skills when you aren’t having sex. Communication skills can become muscle memory. If we use them every where, if we practice speaking up for ourselves and asking for what we want all the time, it becomes easier to do when we’re all hot and bothered and having sex.
Are you working on reducing shame? Welcome to being human. We are taught so much shame around sex and sexuality. It’s harmful and it sure as hell isn’t fun. Start telling yourself that sex is normal, that humans engage with sexuality in an infinite variety of consensual ways. Start to learn about different types of sexual expressions. Try reading Tristan Taormino’s Ultimate Guide to Kink to get a good overview of a variety of kinky activities. Even if kink isn’t your thing, seeing the joy with which folks interact with their unique sexualities is empowering. Learn more about anatomy and arousal patterns. Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are is a must read if you were assigned female at birth or you like to have sex with such folks. Try following sex positive accounts in your social media. Use what you’re learning to appreciate the diversity of sexuality and to see yourself as part of that diversity. Your own sexuality and how you choose to express it is perfectly perfect. No one else can do it exactly like you do!
Lastly, remember that progress toward any goal includes times when progress stalls and/or goes backwards. That’s natural and normal. Try to accept it when it happens, learn from it and keep it moving. Sometimes, a goal stalls out because something else has become more important, or that goal no longer resonates with you. That’s ok! That’s growth! Roll around in that change, embrace it and look toward your new path.
What’s one of my goals for this year? I’m going to co-sign a goal from Yespleasemore.net, “Attend Sex Down South”. I hear the conference is utterly amazing and I know I would learn a ton by attending.
We’re here for you with resources and referrals to other folks. So reach out! We’re always happy to hear from you!