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Keepin’ it hot. Oh, so important! |
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Of course, some folks are happy in long-term relationships that are virtually sex-free. But, for many people having a passionate sex life is a key component of a successful and fulfilling long-term relationship. Keeping passion alive How do you keep the passion alive though the years? First - you make passion a priority. With all of the things that go on in our lives – work, children, bills, it is easy to push things that aren’t absolutely necessary to the side. All too often, sex ends up with the other things that seemed important once upon a time, and just never makes it to the top of the list. You can’t let that happen. And if you have let that happen, you need to make a change. Being in a long-term relationship means being in a partnership. You share your entire lives – electricity bills, the flu, house repairs, work stresses, farting – pretty much all of the things in life that most folks don’t find sexy. But there is a reason that you wanted to spend your lives together. And it’s important that you don’t lose sight of that reason. One thing you can do is to make time to appreciate each other as individuals. Set aside time to date at least once a month. That means the two of you, alone somewhere, with no kids. It doesn’t need to be fancy or expensive. It does need to be time focused on each other and not on the daily, mundane crap like who’s picking up Fifi from the vet. That means spending this time together talking about anything else. If you haven’t been doing this on a regular basis, it may take some practice to avoid these topics. But avoid them. When you start the sentence – stop. When you are planning for your date, think about what things you did at the beginning of the relationship. Did you go to the zoo? Or go hiking? Go out to a club? A fancy dinner? Hamburgers and a movie? Whatever it was, do that. As you date on a regular basis, planning for the date can become an important and fun part of the process. Try different things. Switch off on who makes the plans. Another time, plan the details together. Sometimes make plans to go out together with your friends. It can be really fun to see your partner hanging with her friends. Sometimes it reminds you of why you fell in love with them in the first place. If you have children and paying for a babysitter is a problem, work out a deal with another couple. Try trading dating childcare. Consider trading overnight childcare as well. Having the house to yourselves can be a revelation. Which brings us to “The Family Bed”. It is increasingly common for parents to allow their infants and toddlers to sleep with them. It makes sense. Especially if you’re breast-feeding. You get more sleep. But, you also get less sex. Because in the culture of the United States, it is considered taboo to have sex in front of your children. Frequently, when people talk about the “family bed”, they reference cultures around the world where a family bed is de rigor. In these cultures it is also completely normal for the parents to be sexual in the same room as the children while the children are sleeping. That’s just not culturally acceptable here (argue about which is right on your own time – that’s not the point at the moment). Early parenthood is a challenging time for any relationship. The new child takes much of your time and emotional energy. The baby is a fulltime job (on top of the other job or jobs you have). There is often precious little left for you and your partner to share. The least you can do is share a bed – alone. And increase the likelihood that you may accidentally fall into each other’s arms. Your love and commitment to each other was the reason that you chose to parent together. Maintaining a healthy, passionate relationship is one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids. Keep caring for each other at the forefront of your mind. Everyone expresses their love and caring in different ways. People hear love and caring in different ways too. What says, “I love you and I’m thinking about you” to you? Is it flowers and chocolate? Coming home to find the laundry done? Regular “I love you” text messages? A massage appointment? Taking the car for an oil change? A note in your brief case? Whatever it is, check in with your partner. Make sure that you each know what makes you feel loved and cared for. In most partnerships it’s not the same for each person. It’s easy to remember to do the things for your partner that you want them to do for you, but it takes a little work to make sure you do the things that your partner hears as “I love you”. Whatever it is, do it. Find a way to take some time for yourself. That’s often easier said than done. In Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand says, “To say I love you, one must first know how to say the I”. It’s easy to forget your I. In the mess of daily life, we all fall into ruts. But to truly love each other, to express that love as passion, you have to feel centered in yourself. A critical part of sexuality is confidence. Find what it is that makes you feel whole and confident. Build a little time into your life to do that. Of course there will be times that you look at your partner and really wish that they weren’t there – because you need time to yourself, or because you are having an enormous fight and your partner just did or said something utterly stupid. That’s going to happen. People make mistakes and hurt each other. So it’s all the more important that on the other days, you are kind to each other and remind each other that you are grateful to be in each other’s lives. There’s an old phrase – “familiarity breeds contempt”. There’s certainly truth to that. It works different ways for different people. Sometimes, when you take up the same space as another person for a long period of time, it’s easy to start to ignore each other. Don’t do it. If you are watching TV at night, put down the magazine, the email or the knitting and scoot over into each other’s arms. Make sure you take a moment each day to really look at your partner and remind yourself why you choose to have them in your life. Let 'em know, you think they're hot! Do you think your partner is hot? You need to make sure they know that. It’s not possible to share that information too frequently. But just like “I love you”, people hear that in different ways. Make sure your partner is hearing that from you in way that gets thru all of the garbage we each have about our bodies and our sexuality. Unless you look like a model from the pages of a high fashion magazine, we get told in many different ways many times a day that our bodies are inadequate. Make sure your partner knows that you think that their body is amazing. Give them specifics. Let them know how much you like their ass, or their hands, or their nose, or their toes, or their tits. Whatever it is, sing its praises. As we age, our bodies change. Make sure that you continue to find parts of each other that turn you on. If the only thing that really gets you going about your partner’s body is their six-pack abs –you may be better off treating that relationship as a short term thing. You can be guaranteed that six-pack will change into something else given enough time. Over the years people grow and change. That’s one of the things that is exciting about a long-term relationship. You may have moved in with an investment banker and awakened ten years later to find that your partner now owns a yoga studio. Life will take you to places that you never expected and that’s half the fun. Your sexual needs and desires grow and change as well. What turned you on when you were 18 is likely to not be the same thing that makes you moan when you’re 40 or 92. Explore the limitless possibilities! One of the truly beautiful things about sex and sexuality is that the possibilities are as limitless as the human imagination. No one knows everything there is to know about sex. There is always something our there that never even crossed your mind and that is the one thing that makes your neighbor’s toes curl. So let your imagination run free. You may trip across something that rips the lid off your sex life. That pancake flipper? It could make a great little paddle. That spot on the inside of your elbow? Maybe it makes you dizzy when your partner licks it or tickles it with a feather. It is important that you keep up with each other in this department. One way to do this is with a discovery date. A discovery date is a time to sit down with a list of things that people like to do during sex. You can download a copy of a list at the bottom of the page. Review the list together and find something that you both would like to try – or that one of you would like to try and the other doesn’t mind trying. And try it. Sometimes it will work wonderfully. Sometimes you’ll find out that you don’t really need to do that again. But, you’ll have fun. Take a trip to a women owned sex toy store or web site together. Of course, we’re biased; but if you go to Sugar, or one of the other like-minded stores, you’ll find yourself in a supportive place where you can explore. And you’ll have staff that will help you and happily answer your questions. Buy some toys. Buy a book. Take them home and play. Read erotica to each other. Send each other dirty text messages, or dirty emails (make sure you only send dirty emails to personal email accounts – work email accounts are the property of your employer – your boss doesn’t need to know that your husband loves to nibble on your toe). Surprise each other with a seduction scene. But remember, when you surprise your partner with a seduction scene, it won’t always work. Your partner may show up at home that day so tired she can barely see. That’s ok. Draw her a nice bath. Rub her back. And try it again on another day. Don’t be afraid to be kinky. If the two of you agree to something, you are safe about doing it, and you are willing to stop at anytime, go for it. It may be deliciously dirty, but it isn’t bad. You’re grown. You don’t need to listen to that voice in your head saying that you need to act a certain way. The only thing you really need to do is treat each other with respect and honesty. And have fun. For some that will mean having sex in the missionary position, in the dark, in the bedroom with the sheets pulled up over your head and being gleefully happy. For others, that will mean tying each other up and beating the hell out each other in an empty subway tunnel. Whatever works. What matters is that it turns you both on and leaves you feeling sexy and fulfilled. Then do it again. Your sexuality is a gift. Celebrate it!
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